Thursday, December 30, 2010

Well, no weigh in for me this week....SUX!

I'm am SOOOO bummed out. This morning while putting on my makeup, I was going over in my head all that I need to do today. I'm flying solo this week, as the daughter is with her dad and my wifey is with her family in Texas. Okay, so, as I'm going over what I need to do, I realized, since I am working overtime every day this week, how am I gonna get from work to the meeting AND let our dogs out? The poor little guys will have been in their crates since 6:15 this morning. IF I go to the meeting, even to weigh in, our dogs will be in a pool of pee and poop. Just can't do that to them. Soooo, I weighed in this morning and for the first time in 2 months, I didn't loose a thing. I was reallllyyyyy bummed about that too. WTF? How did that happen? Well, my mind started going over the past week. 2 Christmas dinners, almost NO fruit & veggies, and I haven't worked out in 4 days. Yup, that'll do it. The working out has been killing me, but again, working over time, by the time I walk in the door, take care of the Schnauzer's, feed myself it's usually 7pm and I'm plumb tuckered out!
I'll be sooo glad when my wifey is home and things go back to normal. It's amazing how when your spouse/partner is away, you realize how MUCH they contribute to the day to day things in your life. I'm having to do all the little things she does plus all my things. That being said, I'm just too wiped out to workout. I'm off tomorrow and my plan is, to do TWO workouts. Jump roping in the morning and treadmill in the evening.

I'll be SO glad for Sunday to be here and life to be as it was. I'll be flying solo for New Years' Eve and Day. I'm finding that planning ahead and journaling really DOES help. I've already tracked out a chili recipe for New Year's Eve and Day. I'm making it with turkey, again, it's all about the choices. I am treating myself to a few beers, since I've basically cut out alcohol. I'm gonna workout ALOT this 4 day weekend and stick to my plan. I'm not going to allow the fact that I didn't loose weight, to depress me into over eating. Nope, not gonna happen. I have to look at the POSITIVE. This is the FIRST holiday season in 5 years that I did NOT gain weight, but rather, LOST weight. That in itself is a HUGE victory. I'm exercising now and becoming far more active than I have in years. These are big changes and I'm very proud of them. I need to focus on the positive things in my life. I'm not focusing on negative thoughts, people or obstacles anymore. I refuse to give them any power over my mind.
This year has been amazing and the changes I've made are powerful ones. I look at ALL that I've accomplished this year and it's mind blowing. I married the love of my life, in front of family and friends. We had a very lovely evening and it went just as I planned it, perfect. We honeymooned in DISNEY WORLD, my most favorite place on earth. We were able to bring my 2 daughters, ages 21 & 15 with us and my mom, sister and niece met us there. We stayed in the most luxurious resort and enjoyed a week of first class amenities, it was magical! My son came home from Afghanistan and was able to attend our wedding. After our trip, I decided to join Weight Watchers, and this process is really life transforming for me. I'm slowly regaining my confidence back. I'm seeing the hard work paying off. I finally got in some jeans I haven't' worn in a year and it feels GREAT! I spent the day after Christmas with ALL my children, which was the best gift ever. We were able to take not one but TWO weekend getaways, both to the Biltmore to see friends. We also got away with my parents and THAT is always a blast.

Looking back it was a tremendous year for us. We are so fortunate and we try very hard to never take that for granted. My life before I met my wife was full of struggles and hurts. Her life was basically the same...until we met each other. All the pieces just fit and literally everything we have touched, has turned to gold for us. That is all the confirmation we need to know we have found our destiny. I don't believe in luck, I believe you make your own luck, with your choices. Choosing her and our life together has been THE best decision I've ever made,hands down. With her by my side, I can achieve so much more, than if I were alone.

I look forward to 2011 and all the challenges and adventures that it will bring us. My desire is that this time next year, I'll have an amazing story to tell. I wish you all, happiness, health and SUCCESS in all that you do. Everything starts with a dream, but to make that dream come true, you MUST have action. The time for wishing for a better life is over, MAKE it happen. Only you control your destiny, don't leave it up to be in control of YOU!

Best wishes,


Friday, December 24, 2010

Just MAY make my 20 lb goal this month

Well, last night was weigh date, 17lbs. That is just 7 this month and 10 last month. I lost 10lbs prior to joining WW's. That being said, I was disappointed. Yeah, you heard me, I was really hoping I'd lost more weight. My average is a little over 2lbs per week. I KNOW this is exactly what I NEED to be loosing to reach my goal for Amanda's wedding....but in my mind, I thought it would come off quicker. You know, "The more you have to loose, the quicker it comes off"...well, that's a bunch of shit! The whole way home last night I was thinking, FUCK! I have worked my ass off on the treadmill, I've said NO to sooooooo much food this month ( all the goodies at work AND at home in my fridge) I've been journaling EVERYTHING I eat and drink and speaking of drink, I've had almost NO alcohol. I missss myyyy beeeerrrrr! I have really done well, so I thought, I DESERVED to have lost more. Turns out, I was wrong. I needed a good night sleep to have a clearer mindset this morning. Here it is: I've lost almost 20 lbs, FUCK YES! This is the FIRST holiday in 5 years I HAVEN'T gained one single pound, but instead, I've LOST weight!!! I've been making excellent food choices that are slowly turning into a lifestyle change for me AND my family. We're ALL eating healthier. I've started exercising again and I've making progress. I feel stronger and I'm working on my new LEANER body. Instead of spending this holiday season, eating on my couch watching holiday movies, I've been loosing FAT and getting healthier. Those are HUGE victories and I have MUCH to be celebrating today.

It's so easy in this day and time to feel discouraged. Look at all those damn adds for weight loss pills and shakes. I know I have a long way to go, when I see them and my initial response is, "Yeah, I could loose 58lbs in 3 months like Tara if I don't change a thing, but just take some Sensa." Their all around us, adds for things I KNOW do not work. I KNOW scientifically, Weight Watchers is PROVEN and it works, the end. I don't have to buy prepackaged food, I don't take pills, I don't drink shakes. I simply eat healthier and exercise. Why is it we always want the easy way out? We're willing to spend ridiculous amounts of hard earned money on products that promise us HEALTH, but in reality, they do not deliver. Of ALL the people I know and follow online who have LOST weight and KEPT IT OFF, they have ALL, let me repeat, ALL done it the old fashioned way. They ate less, ate healthier and exercised. Soooo, in the end, after all the money I've spent, how am I loosing weight? Yup, the way I ALWAYS knew how, the hard way. I know I won't reach my goal for 2 years. Yes 2 years, I've done the math. To really reach my goal in a REALISTIC way, it will take 2 years. And THAT is why people give up and opt for a pill or a shake. They (we) don't want to do the hard work. We want it NOW. I am having to do something I've never done, something I'm not good at all...I have to be patient.
I'm a visual girl. I need to SEE the picture to help me "wait"on the outcome. Soooo, I'm viewing my 2 year weight loss plan as one of my vacation trips I LOVE soooo much to plan. I'm viewing it as a trip I have to plan, save for and dream about. I've done it before with trips. I'm planning one now to Vegas for my wife's 40th BD. I can do this. I'll have mini goals to work towards. The first one is my daughter's wedding. My goal is to be 57 lbs thinner. I can do this. I've got 5 months and a WHOLE lotta determination. My second goal is VEGAS, just 6 weeks after the wedding. I'd like another 10lbs off for that one. THEN, the following summer we're doing a CRUISE and I WILL look amazing on that trip. We've always wanted to cruise but something has always come up. Now, I have some trips to work goals. I can see myself at my daughter's wedding, I've already picked out my DREAM gown. I may never wear it, but in my MIND, I am picturing myself in it. This really makes it all seem real to me, having very specific goals, seeing myself wearing specific things.

I read THE SECRET years back and I have to say, I've applied those principals in ALMOST everything and it has worked for me...for us. My wife is a positive person as well. She read the book and also believes in those principals. I however, did NOT apply them for my weight loss. This comes back to, I wanted IT now, not later. I wasn't willing to do the HARD work for it. Things have changed for me...this year was eye opening for me. I knew, after seeing my wedding pictures that those would be the last pictures of me at this weight. I was done feeling sorry for myself and done waiting for a miracle. I AM my miracle, my WILL to do this is stronger than any pill or shake. Those things can't change how I think, they can't choose healthier things to eat, and they can't make my body lean and strong. Only I can do those things..and my time is now.

So, here I am, almost at the end of the Christmas holiday season and I am more than happy that I'm ALMOST 20lbs thinner. I am thankful for a partner who met me 30lbs thinner and loves me MORE today, than she did when I was a few sizes smaller. I'm thankful that I am ABLE to exercise and thankful that I don't have to go to a gym after a long day at work...that I can go across our hall and work out in the privacy of our own home. I'm thankful for family and friends who've NEVER given up on me. They celebrated with me on my HUGE weight loss 5 years ago...and they continue to offer love and support as I work my way back down the scale.

I can honestly say, going into 2011, I'm SUPER excited about my next adventure. I plan to work hard, laugh everyday, love with all my heart and I will continue to love bite at a time, one decision at a time.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Crunch Time~!

Here I am, just 2 days away from a weigh in. According to MY scale I'm down 14 lbs since my wedding. I would LOVE to hit 20 by the end of the year. I'm confident if I stay on course, count my points, track them and do my workout EVERY day I can reach the goal. I am able to really SEE it in my face and I put a pair of pants on yesterday that fit better than last month. It's the small things.

By now the family is getting used to me cooking again, every night. We had gotten really slack and were doing a LOT of eating out again. That is exactly how I put on 40lbs since moving here 3 years ago. Yes, 40lbs in 3 years, disgusting. Considering ALL that I went through to get 140 lbs OFF my body...all the exercise, all the hard work only to gain HALF of it back. The one thing I PROMISED myself and my family that I would NEVER EVER NEVER do again. This got me to thinking...I hadn't really made that lifestyle change. I was STILL rewarding myself with food. Ohhh date night, lets eat. Shopping trip today? Lets eat out. You made good grades? Lets eat out...on and on the excuses rolled and on and on the weight started piling back. I can look at pictures of us these past 3 years and there it is, right before me. There is no escaping a picture, it's in front of you and let's face it, some are more flattering than others. I look at my son's wedding and I remember how HUGE I felt, how no gown looked right on me and I settled for something that just fit. I remember just days before the wedding I chopped my hair off, in an attempt to do ANYTHING to make me feel better. It did not. I look at those pictures and I can see it in my eyes...sadness. I don't want to go back, it's a dark place, to be trapped in your own body and have nobody to blame, but yourself.

Fast forward to last night. I got back on my treadmill and pumped up my workout. I went 30 minutes and used the incline too. I burned off my entire lunch, which was a chicken salad sand which, light mayo on reduced calorie bread. Even so, I burned it off! It was a great feeling of accomplishment. I plan to do the same tonight. I had some discouraging news today. I wanted to purchase something BIG, but I will have to wait till next summer. I'm not calling my partner up to stir up a pity party that would eventually lead to, "Let's just go to dinner tonight, my treat." Nope, not doing it. I'll go home as normal, cook dinner and do my workout. I refuse to let "IT" win. I refer to "IT" as any obstacle that temps me to abuse food. Today, I will win. I can only account for TODAY. I can't worry about tomorrow or what happened last year. It's all about today and for now, right this minute, IT isn't winning. One bite at a time, one decision at a time.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Damn weather!

Well, we had snow and ice yesterday. Sure, it looked gorgeous as it fell and left a lovely wintry blanket in my yard. Unfortunately, our roads were horrible and that meant, NO Weight Watcher meeting. I was really ready for it too. I have counted my points, kept my journal of everything I eat and drink AND I've been working out hard on my treadmill. I even amped up my workout and did this crazy ass CALORIE workout. Yikes, I had NO idea there would be sprints involved! The first time caught me off guard and I almost went flying off the treadmill. Once I figured out every 3 or 4 minutes I had to sprint I was good to go. Needless to say, by the end of my workout, I was GLOWING !( I don't sweat, I glow )

Soooo, no weigh in last night, I'll have to wait till this next week and see my progress. My scale at home tells me since my wedding, I've dropped 16lbs, but the scale at WW is different. They are 3 lbs heavier than mine and I had already lost some weight on my own. Even still, without the weigh in, I feel good. Just knowing I'm moving every day now, working out, knowing that I'm being accountable for all that I eat and drink...those are BIG changes. It's just a start on my new lifestyle change.

Funny, how I was terrified of having the office parties and the first one was a breeze. The second one was postponed till today and I'm not nervous like I was. Knowing that if I plan ahead of time what to eat gives me confidence. I also did NOT make a second trip to the food, nor will I today. I will fill up on meats, veggies and a BITE of something naughty. I'm not going to deprive myself, I mean this IS the holidays, right? My director makes the best corn pudding thing and honestly, I could swim in a vat of the stuff, its' really THAT good. So, I'll treat myself to a bite of that and fruit for desert instead of all the goodies up there. I made Bread Pudding with Foster's Sauce last night and didn't even try any!!

The weekend is here, and how will I "Treat Myself" to having lost this much so far? To a hayride and Christmas light show with my family tonight...I will NOT treat myself with food, as I have in the past. That is how I gained HALF of my weight back, by rewarding myself with food. I have to REthink how I celebrate things. I want to celebrate by feeling great about myself in VEGAS this coming summer. I want to celebrate my weight loss by looking good at my daughter's wedding. I want to celebrate my new healthier lifestyle, by hiking in Canada with my buddy Tina. This is how I will reward myself, these sound wayyyy better than a damn bag of chips!

For now, one bite at a time, one decision at a time...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Big week ahead...lots of tests

Usually, this time of year I get excited. Office parties and tons of goodies to eat. This year, I'm focused on making the RIGHT choices and the BEST choices for my weight loss. However, this week, I have not one, but TWO office parties and I'm scared shitless. I know if I keep track of what goes IN my mouth and I keep track of my points I can do this. Soooo, tomorrow we have our department breakfast. I know if I can manage to stay the hell away from the AMAZING sausage gravy that I would normally POUR over my food I'll be okay. I know the best choices would be the eggs, some sausage or bacon and FRUIT! NO breads and sweets and holy hell, NO gravy. It's one thing to put it on your plate and say, WELL done, I did it. It's another to go back to the table and see all your friends slurping their gravy biscuits around and chowing down on hash browns. I'm just not that strong to have a taste. A taste is how it all started to being with! If this isn't enough, Thursday, which happens to be my WEIGH IN day, is our office pot luck. This is where my office friends and their spouses all get together. There will be everything from Ham to Pumpkin Pie up in here. My plan is to fill up on proteins and veggies, then go back to my cubical area and STAY there. Last year I had so many people eating with me, there was no way to get out. Unless I decide to jump over the desks and plow my way down the hall knocking over supervisors and small children I think I'll be safe in the corner. I have to STAY focused this week and do the work. It's doable, I know it is. Small steps become huge victories.

Speaking of which, yesterday I got on the treadmill like usual. I decided to hit CALORIE for my workout, instead of just doing my 12-15 minute walk. WOW! I did 20 minutes and burned 99 calories. Every few minutes the machine would speed up and I would literally be running for my life!! I'm sure if anyone saw me I looked like I was running from the law!! But guess what? I burned SO many more calories than just walking it at a somewhat fast pace. Again, small steps, become big victories!

I've got 4 big days ahead of me, 2 parties and a weigh in. Thursday the numbers won't lie and I know that. There is no manipulating it, no talking my way out of it. The nice lady at the meeting will kindly say, "Step on the scale please" and that will be that.

One bite at a time, one decision at a time...

Friday, December 10, 2010

Drum roll pullleeezzee!!!

First weigh in.....FOUR POUNDS! I was VERY happy, though I secretly hoped for 5 lbs, I'll take the 4, I earned them! Considering we had a weekend trip with lots of drinking and eating out, I'm VERY happy with my results!

As I sat in the meeting I couldn't stop smiling, I was SO damn proud of my accomplishment. As happy as I was, there SHE was...Nelly Negative. I'm guessing she's about 60ish and full of negativity. The poor leader, bless your heart Gayle, kept trying to turn Nelly's comments into something positive. She complained about the new points, how we've been "Duped" into thinking we have more, but really, NOTHING has changed. She was SO wrong. The proof was in our collective weight loss. Out of 17 people, we lost 60 pounds last week. HELLO???? The NEW program works! The old program, folks were consuming WAYYYYYY tooooo many carbs. With the new points values, we have to be mindful of the carbs we consume. I also noticed, the new program rewards you for cooking from scratch rather than eating out of a box. Those prepackaged foods are full of chemicals. Eating clean is the way to go. Nelly obviously likes to eat from a box. Looking back, so did I. I loved all those comfort foods, and cheesy dips and yummy sauces. I liked fast food and junk food. Nelly does too. The only difference is I chose to stay away from them this week and I lost 4lbs while Nelly lost nothing. My attitude is different than Nelly's. I WANT to succeed. I SEE myself thinner and active. Nelly doesn't, not yet. There is still hope for her, as there is for all of us.

My other observation was more internal. In past times, attempting to loose weight, I wanted to be the STAR! I wanted to be the best at it and win the prize. It didn't matter if it was a gold star, or a gift certificate, I wanted it. Last night, several people were mentioned for their weight loss victories. I overheard a gal behind me saying she was hopeful SHE would will THE award for most weight loss this week..and I thought about that. For the first time in...forever, that didn't mean anything to me. I don't want to awards, the recognition...I simply want to reach my goal. However long it takes, no matter how many people get there before me, I KNOW I will reach my goal. I remember thinking to myself, "Steady as she goes, slowly I'll get there." My whole attitude about this has changed. I'm ready to embark on the journey, knowing FULL well, it wont' be tomorrow. I know when I get there, I won't be like some chicks who can wear a bikini ( you GO Bitchcakes!!!) I have done wayyy tooo much damage to my body for that. Nope, I'll get to my goal and look FREAKING amazing in clothes and decent in a bathing suite. That is my realistic goal. I don't expect to look like a Victoria Secrets model, it's just not in my DNA. I come from a long line of gals with curves and BIG lungs;) That being said, I'm in the water now, my feet are wet and I'm NOT afraid of the deep end. Pound by pound I'll work my way over to the deep end and one day, I'll dive in fully enjoying it all. For now, my feet are wet.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Tonight, my 1st weigh in...

YIKES! I'm scared as hell. This is where the rubber hits the road. First week, and I wasn't hungry, I made good choices, better than I have in years. Sooo, why am I scared? Failure. I don't want to fail, again. I've started SO many programs, SO many diets only to fail. I know, if I just DO what I'm told, count my points, eat my fruits an veggies, drink my water and EXERCISE then the weight WILL come off. I just want it to come of in tens, I want it to FLY off...and that isn't realistic. They say not to give yourself a time frame, but I can't help to look forward 5 months to my daughter's wedding. I don't want to look BAD like I did for my son's. I look at those pictures in disgust. WHY did I gain 70 pounds after I worked SO hard to get it off? WHY did I fall back to old ways that I KNOW were going to be bad for me? WHY did I stop exercising when I was doing so good at it? I have many regrets when it comes to my it's time to turn regret into RESPONSIBLE. It's time I take the reigns of MY health and stop letting FOOD control me, but rather, ME control the food.

I say all this, in an effort to ready myself because I know,I did not have a 10 pound weight loss this week. I know, this is okay, that ANYTHING I've lost is a victory over old habits. I just finished my lunch, a veggie sandwich and that's it till my weigh in. I'll pick up a salad on the way home from the meeting. Subway chicken breast salad is just 6 points, with 2 left over for salad dressing. I plan to hop on the treadmill like I do every night. I will NOT be discouraged and over eat. I WILL be thankful for ANY success I've had this week and celebrate by walking on my treadmill. There was a time when I couldn't even do that and I will NEVER forget how my quality of life, at 341 pounds was. It wasn't living, it was merely existing. The picture I posted was at my heaviest and I was miserable. I can never live like that again, I refuse to do it. The picture on the right is me at my thinnest, since putting on weight at the age of 20. That is my goal for Amanda's wedding. I have 59lbs to go in 5 months. I am hopeful I will get there sooner, rather than later. One bite at a time, one decision at a time...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Weekend trip and I LOST weight!

So Weight Watchers DOES work?!! My partner & I joined my parents for a weekend trip to the NC mountains. We visited with Biltmore estate. I was armed with my points calculator and my daily tracker. How did it turn out, 2 lbs lighter, how's that?! I'm very encouraged. It was ALL about decisions and choices. Nothing was an accident. I had to make choices the entire trip. Instead of stopping off at McDonald's, I opted for a salad at Subway. I made great choices like that the whole weekend. In the car, when I got hungry, instead of grabbing a bag of chips and a Diet Coke, instead, I grabbed popcorn, lightly salted and water. Yup, and it satisfied my hunger and I didn't go over in points. I had ONE beer the entire trip, as opposed to 7-8 but I DID have a few glasses of wine. Choices. When we stopped for lunch on property and everyone was having pizza and such, I opted for Onion Soup and a SMALL salad, just a lettuce wedge, Parmesan cheese shavings and some sun dried tomato's. Again, CHOICES. It felt great, I totally felt in control of what I was eating, instead of my usual trips, where I felt CONTROLLED by food. I'm hopeful this week's weigh in will a good one! Oh yeah, and after a 4 hour car ride, and unpacking clothes and doing 2 hours of school work, I jumped on our NEW treadmill!!! What's the word? CHOICES!

I feel good. I know there will be weeks that I won't loose much but this is the beginning of the journey, so for now, I'm flying high....

Friday, December 3, 2010

1st Weight Watcher meeting and a brand new treadmill...

Life doesn't get any better, right? We've been waiting on this damn treadmill for weeks now, SO excited to have it finally here and put together. My poor G/F worked on that thing for about 4 hours. It's got it all...have I been on it yet? Nope and I'm mad. She didn't get it finished till late last night and I was asleep. Work day starts at 5:3o AM for this girl, so bedtime comes early. Today we leave at 1PM for our mini weekender trip in the the treadmill will have to wait till Sunday.

Now, about last night. I decided at the last minute to NOT do the online version, but to actually GO to the live meetings. I did this because I feel I will NEED the accountability and the support. I was a bit taken back, new girl and all. I figured most of the ladies would be older and I'd say it was half and half. I WAS surprised to see 2 men there with their wives, very impressed they were doing it together. Seems like a good group of folks. Very friendly and talkative. I didn't realize WW has completely revamped their entire point system, this works in my favor since I'm new, I don't have to UNlearn everything. I bought the Deluxe set, that has a TON of information and the points calculator. I feel armed with some great information and all the tools I'll need. Now it's up to ME to work the program. Already I can see I have to start using Sugar Free creamer, mine is WAYYYY too many points. It's wayyyy too many because I POUR it in my coffee. Probably will have to really SEE what a few tablespoons really and truly is! The bottom line is this: I HAVE to account for EVERYTHING that goes in my mouth. Perfect timing, we're heading on a trip today. That means eating out on the road, drinks and nice restaurants. I've already decided to get my salad at Subway, seems they are the LOWEST in points and I really enjoy them. Water, no diet soda, wayyyy too much sodium. I so much as LOOK at the stuff and my ankles swell!!! I'll take it one meal at time, one CHOICE at a time.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Please Mr. Postman, bring me my TREADMILL~!

So this year, Santa isn't bringing us some cool shoes, a new Coach handbag ( though I really really want one) or some great jewelry. Nope, this year we decided to finally invest in a top of the line treadmill. My Honey is a great researcher. She looked everywhere and found a new 2011 model Nordic Track. This baby has it all, 20 different workouts, iFit live compatible cardio grip heart monitor...everything. There was a time, a few years ago, when I lost 141 lbs, that I lived on the treadmill. I had to drive everyday to Golds Gym, and pay to use the thing. The ones' there were nothing like the big girl we're getting lemme tell you that. But here's the deal, I got on it and LIKED it. I started out just doing 15 minutes and worked up to 5 miles a day. The sense of accomplishment was amazing. For the first and ONLY time in my life did I understand what others meant by, getting the "High" from working out. It really IS a euphoric feeling. The best part is, only YOU can do it. You don't need anyone else to do it, just do it. Along with the treadmill, I asked Santa for a jump rope, pedometer, sports watch and a few other little things. The bulk of what I'm getting is sports related and THAT in itself, is a miracle. The only sport I participate in now, is shopping. Hell, I don't even have to leave my home to do that anymore. I'm ready. I've been ready. This IS my time. I have my one BIG goal, my daughter's wedding this coming May. I refuse to look like crap at her wedding. I refuse to look at her wedding pictures and be disgusted at myself, KNOWING I could have done something about it. This IS my time. Friday is payday and I will once again, join Weight Watchers online. I'm so darn busy I don't have time for meetings. Maybe one day I'll switch and go to them, but for now, this makes sense. Big changes are coming...I'm already eating smaller portions so my body won't be in shock. Eating better, eating healthier is part of it. I KNOW from past experience, I HAVE to move and I HAVE to do it everyday. So that being said, Mr. Postman, bring me my damn treadmill!!!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

My first holiday where I didn't go crazy!

This Thanksgiving I did NOT go crazy, I repeat, I did NOT go crazy. Most holidays gone by, I have gained an average of 4-6 pounds for each one. This would mean I would get very depressed after. It would take about 2 weeks to loose the extra I gained and then I'd give up. The cycle would just continue. THIS Thanksgiving, we went to my parents home. This means I would have NO leftovers, which is good, cuz this girl likes to graze. Also, my dad is not a big fan of comfort foods. No casseroles, cheesy dips, nothing like that. He also makes smaller portions and that is key. That being said, we ate dinner on the road to their home, as it's a 3 hour drive. I had a few beers when I got there. We ate a big breakfast the next day, something I haven't been doing. I've been faithfully eating my oatmeal. For dinner, Dad really outdid himself. At first glance I panicked. I thought, there isn't enough side dishes. I was wrong, there were SEVERAL side dishes, just not the crazy portions I cook for my brewd. That was a big shock to me. I had to really think about WHY was I cooking sooooo much food, for the same amount of people Dad cooked for? No family of 6 needs 5 pounds of potatoes cooked for mashed potatoes. Too much. A nice serving size was perfect. I had a small serving of EVERYTHING on the table, minus the ham. I knew I couldn't eat that too. For the first Thanksgiving in 7 years, I did NOT walk away from the table stuffed and miserable. I was full, not stuffed. Big difference. We drove home after dinner, and I admit, I was scared to get on the scale the next day. Black Friday, what would it bring? I gained ONE pound. What?? That's it???? NOOOOO WAYYYYY!!! I was SO happy. I knew I ate more than I have been, but it wasn't nearly as much as years in the past. This means I AM in the zone. I AM mindful of what is going in. I AM becoming more responsible for what goes in MY mouth. Sooo, that pound? I lost it the very next day. Yup, I got up this morning, go on the scale and GONE, that ole pound is history! Yesterday I got right back on track. No alcohol, no deserts just eating the calories I can manage. I'm very excited. I feel this time around the "Beast" didn't win, I did. Am I nervous about my next test? You bet I am. This Friday & Saturday we're going with Dad & his wife to the Biltmore for the weekend. That means eating on the road, eating out while we're there and drinks. I have to make decisions that will affect me. It will be a test. For now, I take today on, I worry about today only. I'm almost down 10 pounds this month. My goal is 15, I have 2 weeks left. I want to see it OFF me, and then I'm closer to finding me. Somewhere under all this, is Chris.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

To scale or not to scale...

I hear about people who say they do NOT live by the scale. I'm not one of them. I weigh myself ALL the time. I can't help it. I know they ( who is They anyways?) say you should only weigh yourself once a week, but I can't go that long. I have gained up to 4 LBS in a weekend binge before. That would devastate me. If I get up and SEE that I lost a pound, or like today, 6 ounces, I feel I accomplished something. It WAS worth it. If I see I gained, then I have to go over what I ate. Yesterday, I know for sure, I didn't drink all my water. Today will be better. I know I can't' do the scales forever, and there will come a day, when I don't have to weigh myself 2 or 3 times a day. For now, I need to see those numbers, I need to SEE what my body is doing. Oddly, when I DO loose, even if it's just 6 ounces, I swear I can see it. The same goes for when I've gained a pound or two, I feel VERY fat. I feel like a total looser and I'm sure everyone else can see it as well. I have far to go with this emotional mind fucking called weigh loss. It's an emotional roller coaster for sure. Today, I feel like it's going to be a good day, and for now, that's the best I can do.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I promise to tell the TRUTH, the WHOLE truth...even when it hurts

This is my blog, my journey to find CHRIS again. Somewhere between 1984 and now, I've lost her. I know it was before my 1st divorce but after my 1st was before I hit 341 LBS but after I graduated high school. Somewhere down the road, I lost me. I'm at the begining of my weight loss, just 8 LBS now..but not really. I need to back up. I had Gastric Bypass in 2003 and in less than a year, I lost 131 pounds. But this isn't my success story. It should have been, could have been, but it wasn't. I got comfortable, I started rewarding myself with food again. My old lover...the bastard. Food is a shitty lover. He makes you feel SO good while your enjoying him, but the SECOND the food is gone, he turns on you. He immediately tells you what a looser you are. He brings up the past and reminds you of thinner days. He points out all the people who mock you and he mocks right with them. He's a shitty lover and I hate him. I hate me more...because I have taken him back MILLIONS of times....but I'm done. I'm really done now. I know there are those in my life who will roll their eyes when I tell them I'm done. This is why I won't tell them...I can't. I won't let them be right, not this time.
For now, I keep this secret with just a few select. My team, my family & friends who have NEVER given up me. I love you Christy, Amanda, Abby, Cori and Mom. You never laugh at me, roll your eyes and you never ever give up on me. You have NO idea how much I need you all.

So here goes, my promise, to complete strangers, yes, but mostly, to myself. For the first time in my life, no more lies about my weight. This is the beginning of finding me again. I've lost her, but I'm determined to find her again....