Please Mr. Postman, bring me my TREADMILL~!

So this year, Santa isn't bringing us some cool shoes, a new Coach handbag ( though I really really want one) or some great jewelry. Nope, this year we decided to finally invest in a top of the line treadmill. My Honey is a great researcher. She looked everywhere and found a new 2011 model Nordic Track. This baby has it all, 20 different workouts, iFit live compatible cardio grip heart monitor...everything. There was a time, a few years ago, when I lost 141 lbs, that I lived on the treadmill. I had to drive everyday to Golds Gym, and pay to use the thing. The ones' there were nothing like the big girl we're getting lemme tell you that. But here's the deal, I got on it and LIKED it. I started out just doing 15 minutes and worked up to 5 miles a day. The sense of accomplishment was amazing. For the first and ONLY time in my life did I understand what others meant by, getting the "High" from working out. It really IS a euphoric feeling. The best part is, only YOU can do it. You don't need anyone else to do it, just do it. Along with the treadmill, I asked Santa for a jump rope, pedometer, sports watch and a few other little things. The bulk of what I'm getting is sports related and THAT in itself, is a miracle. The only sport I participate in now, is shopping. Hell, I don't even have to leave my home to do that anymore. I'm ready. I've been ready. This IS my time. I have my one BIG goal, my daughter's wedding this coming May. I refuse to look like crap at her wedding. I refuse to look at her wedding pictures and be disgusted at myself, KNOWING I could have done something about it. This IS my time. Friday is payday and I will once again, join Weight Watchers online. I'm so darn busy I don't have time for meetings. Maybe one day I'll switch and go to them, but for now, this makes sense. Big changes are coming...I'm already eating smaller portions so my body won't be in shock. Eating better, eating healthier is part of it. I KNOW from past experience, I HAVE to move and I HAVE to do it everyday. So that being said, Mr. Postman, bring me my damn treadmill!!!

My first holiday where I didn't go crazy!

This Thanksgiving I did NOT go crazy, I repeat, I did NOT go crazy. Most holidays gone by, I have gained an average of 4-6 pounds for each one. This would mean I would get very depressed after. It would take about 2 weeks to loose the extra I gained and then I'd give up. The cycle would just continue. THIS Thanksgiving, we went to my parents home. This means I would have NO leftovers, which is good, cuz this girl likes to graze. Also, my dad is not a big fan of comfort foods. No casseroles, cheesy dips, nothing like that. He also makes smaller portions and that is key. That being said, we ate dinner on the road to their home, as it's a 3 hour drive. I had a few beers when I got there. We ate a big breakfast the next day, something I haven't been doing. I've been faithfully eating my oatmeal. For dinner, Dad really outdid himself. At first glance I panicked. I thought, there isn't enough side dishes. I was wrong, there were SEVERAL side dishes, just not the crazy portions I cook for my brewd. That was a big shock to me. I had to really think about WHY was I cooking sooooo much food, for the same amount of people Dad cooked for? No family of 6 needs 5 pounds of potatoes cooked for mashed potatoes. Too much. A nice serving size was perfect. I had a small serving of EVERYTHING on the table, minus the ham. I knew I couldn't eat that too. For the first Thanksgiving in 7 years, I did NOT walk away from the table stuffed and miserable. I was full, not stuffed. Big difference. We drove home after dinner, and I admit, I was scared to get on the scale the next day. Black Friday, what would it bring? I gained ONE pound. What?? That's it???? NOOOOO WAYYYYY!!! I was SO happy. I knew I ate more than I have been, but it wasn't nearly as much as years in the past. This means I AM in the zone. I AM mindful of what is going in. I AM becoming more responsible for what goes in MY mouth. Sooo, that pound? I lost it the very next day. Yup, I got up this morning, go on the scale and GONE, that ole pound is history! Yesterday I got right back on track. No alcohol, no deserts just eating the calories I can manage. I'm very excited. I feel this time around the "Beast" didn't win, I did. Am I nervous about my next test? You bet I am. This Friday & Saturday we're going with Dad & his wife to the Biltmore for the weekend. That means eating on the road, eating out while we're there and drinks. I have to make decisions that will affect me. It will be a test. For now, I take today on, I worry about today only. I'm almost down 10 pounds this month. My goal is 15, I have 2 weeks left. I want to see it OFF me, and then I'm closer to finding me. Somewhere under all this, is Chris.

To scale or not to scale...

I hear about people who say they do NOT live by the scale. I'm not one of them. I weigh myself ALL the time. I can't help it. I know they ( who is They anyways?) say you should only weigh yourself once a week, but I can't go that long. I have gained up to 4 LBS in a weekend binge before. That would devastate me. If I get up and SEE that I lost a pound, or like today, 6 ounces, I feel I accomplished something. It WAS worth it. If I see I gained, then I have to go over what I ate. Yesterday, I know for sure, I didn't drink all my water. Today will be better. I know I can't' do the scales forever, and there will come a day, when I don't have to weigh myself 2 or 3 times a day. For now, I need to see those numbers, I need to SEE what my body is doing. Oddly, when I DO loose, even if it's just 6 ounces, I swear I can see it. The same goes for when I've gained a pound or two, I feel VERY fat. I feel like a total looser and I'm sure everyone else can see it as well. I have far to go with this emotional mind fucking called weigh loss. It's an emotional roller coaster for sure. Today, I feel like it's going to be a good day, and for now, that's the best I can do.

I promise to tell the TRUTH, the WHOLE truth...even when it hurts

This is my blog, my journey to find CHRIS again. Somewhere between 1984 and now, I've lost her. I know it was before my 1st divorce but after my 1st child...it was before I hit 341 LBS but after I graduated high school. Somewhere down the road, I lost me. I'm at the begining of my weight loss, just 8 LBS now..but not really. I need to back up. I had Gastric Bypass in 2003 and in less than a year, I lost 131 pounds. But this isn't my success story. It should have been, could have been, but it wasn't. I got comfortable, I started rewarding myself with food again. My old lover...the bastard. Food is a shitty lover. He makes you feel SO good while your enjoying him, but the SECOND the food is gone, he turns on you. He immediately tells you what a looser you are. He brings up the past and reminds you of thinner days. He points out all the people who mock you and he mocks right with them. He's a shitty lover and I hate him. I hate me more...because I have taken him back MILLIONS of times....but I'm done. I'm really done now. I know there are those in my life who will roll their eyes when I tell them I'm done. This is why I won't tell them...I can't. I won't let them be right, not this time.
For now, I keep this secret with just a few select. My team, my family & friends who have NEVER given up me. I love you Christy, Amanda, Abby, Cori and Mom. You never laugh at me, roll your eyes and you never ever give up on me. You have NO idea how much I need you all.

So here goes, my promise, to complete strangers, yes, but mostly, to myself. For the first time in my life, no more lies about my weight. This is the beginning of finding me again. I've lost her, but I'm determined to find her again....